Pride month comes every year, and I always seem to miss writing what it means to me to be part of the LGTBQ+ community. So here it is, in all of its queer glory!
If you pull out an electron microscope and look at my chromosomes, you’ll notice that I have the notorious Y variety. So does that mean that I’m a man? To some folks it certainly does, but to me my gender is much more complex than my Y chromosomes. Yes I am a male bodied person. My body structure follows that Y chromosome, wider shoulders, longer bones, and lean muscle. I’ve got a testosterone fueled metabolism and emotional reactivity as well as a face full of hair and a receding hairline. Starting to sound just like a man right?
Still not really, or at least, not all the time. To me gender has two distinct parts, our gender identity and our gender expression. The identity is what it feels like on the inside to be us, the expression, what we show the world through our posture, hair, and clothing. I identify as non-binary, meaning I don’t particularly feel like I’m entirely a man, or entirely a woman, rather something in between. Imagine the body of a man with the heart of a woman. Tall, lean and steady on the outside, but empathic, tender and emotional on the inside. All and all it’s something very beautiful, a dynamic expression of my complex self.
I feel most comfortable when I’m androgynous, expressing myself as somewhere in the middle of the two gender extremes. I like to dress in bright clothes, and often wear weird gender bending stuff. Purple pants, flower print skirts, rainbow scrubs, silk & lace and grandma shorts, really anything that is out of the ordinary. Instead of blending in to match those around me, I dress to stand out, to be bright, confident, sexy, and unique. It’s not for everyone, but to me, it’s exactly who I am.
I choose to identify with they / them pronouns to better define myself as a androgynous, non-binary person. I try to do it in subtle ways, and accept that friends, family, and myself often still misgender me. If you’re woke enough to understand, we can have that talk, otherwise I just take the he / him / sirs as a typical response to those Y chromosomes. But if you really want to make my day, gives those them pronouns a try next time you’re talking to (about) me.
So what about my sexuality? I identify as pansexual, meaning I’m sexually attracted to people of all types of genders. The less heteronormative you are, the hotter you’ll be to me. Generally I seek women for my romantic and sexual relationships. In my dreams I am a lesbian lover. I’m gay for women, as they allow me the space to express my inner woman. As a feminist, I battle with my own maleness, disappointed in the toxic masculinity that dominates our culture. Women are our future and my greatest hope.
Gay men would be much less disappointed if I was more gay. Looking back I see so many close male relationships that had plenty of homoerotic undertones. But I’ve always been afraid or oblivious, too caught up in homophobic culture and too unsure of myself. Always believing I’d somehow need to be straight passing to survive. I’ve had some homoerotic experiences that were exciting and satisfying, but I still need more healing to truly embrace my gayest self. And like I said, I really love the ladies.
Bisexual partners enjoy my fluid gender expression, long and limber while soft and tender. I don’t want to just swing both ways, I want to swing all the ways. Similarly, I don’t yet identify as Trans as I feel more comfortable in the middle than expressing myself a woman. The weights of transphobia in our culture is a heavy weight to bear. Transfolks have an average life expectancy of 31 years. Gender dysphoria is a sense that your body doesn’t match who you really are. As I continue to heal and grow I embrace the complexities of my gender, the inner identity and the outer expression.
Queer best describes me. I’ve always been weird and know that weirdness in others attracts me. The complexity, diversity, and nuance of my gender identity is what makes me seem unique. As I channel my inner queer, I create space for other people to be weird and non-normal. Maybe this answers some of your questions about who I am, maybe it creates all kinds of new questions. Let’s talk about it. Having language to understand who we are helps us to recognize and respect differences in others. I know my heart is at peace finding out who I truly am, instead of trying to fit myself into a heteronormative person I’m not.
freewheelingdylan 