State of the Mind Address

Another restless night. Waking up to thoughts about things. Tired old thoughts that I’ve turned over a thousand times, tonight. Why do I have to keep thinking about this? Why can’t my mind just let go?

I know that I’ve been putting off writing here for some time. It seems like too much backstory to have to share. The weight of needing to be thorough seems too much to bare. So I’ll see where this goes with the 3am brain, and hopefully, I can empty these thoughts long enough to get back to sleep.

My time as a teacher has come and gone. I burnt out after a few months. Although I internalize it as my own lacking, I know the public education system is failing, and my burn out is a symptom of that sickness. A lack of master’s pay, licensing requirements that put me back into college to get a teaching certificate (that I had to pay for myself / even though I have a terminal degree in the subject I was teaching), and overall bureaucratic overload are all systematic reason. Here in NC, our legislature has consistently voted to undermine our education system for short term financial savings. Most of the remaining teachers are too far into a state retirement to risk changing careers. And young teachers are a rare commodity.

The teaching vacancies leave our classrooms without leadership, where a revolving band of administrators provide coverage for the day. I was the 4th teacher in my position in the last year and a half. Over the summer the other teacher in technology left, and though many were offered the position none accepted it. Perhaps it’s the opportunity cost of not working in industry as engineering / technology people can make much much more doing anything else. So I overcommitted and accepted the extra classes.

Teaching 5 classes, with 4 different subjects, back to back, without a planning period (technically my planning was afterschool, the same time as all those required meetings, and the robotics club I was advising) was too much. I got further and further behind, and each day felt like I was a little deeper with no chance of catching up. I told my administrators about my difficulties, but as long as you keep showing up, their always seems to be a more pressing issue somewhere else. My mental health continued to decline as the overwhelming stress followed me into the night. Too much caffeine, insomnia, exhaustion, too much caffeine… With one sick day a month, a weekly mental health breakdown becomes something you have to deal with onsite. Then it became two breakdowns in a week, and that’s when I called it quits.

Of course transportation has a role in this as well. Biking to the high school always felt dangerous, as their are no sidewalks or other connections, and my route was along a busy 4 lane dived highway. After a close call one morning when I had to ride into a ditch to avoid being crashed into, the daily commute felt unsurvivable. Of course I was busy advocating for safety improvements, developing a safe routes at schools plan with my students, and promoting it to the many administrators, but nothing happened. “We’re going to build a new school in a couple of years…” When everyone arrives to school by a motor vehicle, the lone cyclist is a fool in the rain. “Don’t you know it’s dangerous out there?” “Why not drive?” The sad reality is that reactive decision makers will only address these issues once a catastrophe has happened. And I didn’t want to die a martyr for my cause.

And nevertheless I continue to blame myself. I let down my students by quitting, for many of them I was their favorite teacher. I let down the other teachers, because I couldn’t handle the emotional abuse of public school. I would often hear “Teaching is really difficult for the first 3 years,” “I cried a lot my first year teaching.” I let down myself for giving up a job that I was genuinely good at. If only I would have…

Picking up the pieces of my mental health started when I left the classroom. Talk about stress relief; 2 less dangerous commutes, 5 less classes, 80 less students, 100 less emails a day, 1000 less administrators. Talking with my wife, we decided that I needed to focus on my borderline personality, the core of my emotional regulation issues. I feel things on overdrive. That’s why I care so much about the things I do, and why I’m so emotionally involved. Most people give 80-90%, I give 400% until I can’t. In a manic, overproductive, success driven society these traits have pushed me to accomplish a lot (I’m looking at you academia), but the cost for that intensity is my emotional well being. As I’ve discussed here in great detail, depression inevitably follows the unsustainable effort, burnout. So I find myself in this same place again, picking up the pieces.

I found a new therapist that specializes in DBT, an approach that is helpful for borderline people. My therapist tells me that BPD is really complex PTSD, that it is a result of childhood abuse. When I look inside I know that emotions have always been big. When I was a kid, I really didn’t have support for those big emotions. Get over it. Stop crying. Don’t be a baby. My emotions were never valid, more a liability that had to be dealt with.

So I learned that my best coping skill was my mind. Figure out how to work around it. Manipulate to get what I need. Rationalize what I’m feeling, and generally blame it on external factors. Don’t feel the sadness, anger, and frustration; bury that all down deep inside. Distract yourself with escapism (TV, video games, books). By getting good grades and positive teacher remarks, I will be rewarded. Accomplish to earn love. Otherwise stop making a scene.

A key characteristic of BPD is a feeling of emptiness or lack of identity. My whole life I have defined myself by how I fit into other people’s lives, or the role that I take on in work. I’m a son, I’m a student, I’m an engineer, I’m an advocate, I’m a cross country cyclist, I’m a teacher, I’m always something else to fill that void, because I myself have never been enough. So who am I?

I have a thousand and one things I could list as characteristics, or roles I play, but I don’t have a good answer. I know that I don’t feel empty when I am creating, be it music, crafts, writing or art. During those activities I feel a state of flow. I know that I don’t feel empty when I am entertaining others, be it performing, teaching, or telling stories. I know I don’t feel empty when I’m in nature, watching the sunrise or sunset, the moons phases or the stars shifting through the seasons. I know that I don’t feel empty when I am with my wife, for I know that she loves me unconditionally, no matter my mood or emotion. But who am I?

That is the work I’m doing these days, trying to improve my capacity for dealing with intense emotion, and figuring out who I am. I’ve applied and interviewed for jobs, but don’t feel ready for full time commitment (over commitment) again. I still wear plenty of different hats, husband, son, friend, and doing my best a junkman cleaning out the house and selling stuff at the flea market. I’ve also been making slot car comedy videos on Youtube. But for now the thoughts are expressed, and it’s time for me to get back in bed.